how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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