how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
