we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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