The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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