What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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