I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
