So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
