its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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