Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
