dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
