your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
