mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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