Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
