my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
