remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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