PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
