We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
