sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
