I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
