Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize