Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
