I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
