I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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