so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
