You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
