can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
