Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
