I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
