so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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