I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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