a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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