How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We had to coat check the pizza.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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