Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
