I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
