were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I look excited, but its just a facade.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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