forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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