I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
