Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
