8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
