i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
