Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
