Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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