oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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