STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
