All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
