Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
