my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you inspire me to be a worse person
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
