I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
