Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
