Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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