Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
