New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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