everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
