After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
