how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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