hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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