Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize