dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
my liver is dry heaving
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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