When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
