Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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