the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
